Bah, humbug.
The noise, the noise, the noise is finally over! The ribbons have been cut, the tags removed, and the roast beast devoured. But just because the festivities have ceased doesn’t mean you Whos down in Whoville can let your guard down.
In fact, now that your homes are stuffed with expensive new gizmos, gadgets, and shiny new toys, you are a prime target for sneakier sorts than myself.
Here are 10 tips from yours truly—all the way from the top of Mt. Crumpit—to keep your post-Christmas season safe, secure, and delightfully quiet.
1. Destroy the evidence (break down your boxes)
Do not put empty boxes for your 85-inch television or your fancy new gaming console out on the curb whole. That is just advertising to every burglar in the neighborhood: “Look! Expensive loot inside! Come and steal it!” Break those boxes down, fold them inside out, or better yet, stuff them in the recycling bin so no one sees what you received.
2. Banish the dried-up timber (tree safety)
That tree in your living room? It is not festive anymore; it is a fire hazard. It is a dried-up stick of kindling waiting for a spark. Get it out of your house before it turns your living room into a bonfire. I prefer my roast beast cooked in an oven, not in a house fire. Check your local disposal schedule and kick it to the curb.
3. Stop bragging on “Who-stagram” (social media privacy)
I know you love to post pictures of your sparkling new jewelry or that trip to the tropics. Stop it! When you post “Loving my new diamonds!” or “Off to Hawaii for a week!” you are telling thieves exactly what to steal and exactly when your house will be empty. Keep your business to yourself.
4. The “return” scam (phishing awareness)
You are going to get emails saying, “There was a problem with your return” or “Click here to claim your refund.” Do not click it! It is a trick. It is a scammer trying to fish for your credit card information. If you did not buy it, do not click it. Even I have standards, and identity theft is just tacky.
5. Shred it to bits (identity protection)
You have receipts, credit card offers, and paperwork flying everywhere. Do not just toss them in the trash where a dumpster diver can find them. Shred them! Rip them into tiny, unrecognizable confetti. It is actually quite therapeutic—I highly recommend it for stress relief.
6. The illusion of presence (lighting timers)
If you are leaving town to visit relatives (why you would want to be around more people is beyond me), put your lights on timers. Make it look like there is a Who home, pacing around. A dark house is an invited house. Smart plugs are useful for this—control them from your phone while you hide away.
7. Fortify your cave (lock up)
It sounds simple, but you would be surprised how many of you leave your doors unlocked while you run over to the neighbors to compare presents. Lock the doors. Lock the windows. Lock the garage. Turn your home into a fortress of solitude. Keep the cold out, and the bandits out.
8. The sleigh lock-up (car security)
Do not leave your “returns” or new gifts sitting in the backseat of your car while you run errands. That is what we call a “smash and grab” waiting to happen. Put your loot in the trunk, out of sight. Or better yet, leave it at home until you actually need to move it.
9. Get a “Max” (security systems)
My dog Max alerts me when anyone dares approach Mt. Crumpit. You should have a Max, too. If you do not have a dog, get a security camera or a doorbell camera. The moment someone steps on your porch, you will know. And you can yell at them through the speaker to “Go away!” It is very satisfying.
10. Catalog your loot (inventory)
Take photos of your expensive new gifts and write down the serial numbers. If someone does manage to Grinch your stuff, having a list makes the police report and insurance claim much easier. It proves you actually owned the thing.
There. Now your home is secure, your identity is safe, and hopefully, you can enjoy a little peace and quiet.
